Quotable

"It must be your face, or it's your body. If it aint your body then it must be your face!"

-"Get It Up" by Mindless Self Indulgence

It's In The Dear John Section

--its hard to find a birthday card that says "I like you, but not that much"

Question...

How long do you need to wait, after a girl's birthday, to break up with her?

Wisdom = Bullshit?

--dude, I think Katherine* scarred me for life.
--probably a little
--fuck
--hey, Lisa* screwed me up too
--it's a girl's job to fuck your mind up
--they start training for it when they're still in the fucking womb
--mothers are the teachers
--fathers are the guinea pigs
--we've got some serious wisdom together, bro
--and at the end of the day, after giving out all that wisdom, we need a disclaimer that says "no matter how much you know, there's no way to get away from this."

Quoteable

"She's 516. She may dress like she's 718 and act like she's 212, but trust me, she's 516. And her husband, letting her come to this party alone, if he's not 973, I'm 307. [pause] Wisconsin"

-N.P.H. on How I Met Your Mother

I Meant It In The Nicest Possible Way

--I may have made a really bad joke
--like, no one laughed bad, or sexual harassment suit bad
--haha, nah to my girl
--I just said something along the lines of me being another one of her hoes
--ooo
--yeah, she didn't really like that one too much
--what do you think that means?
--she either IS a really big whore...
--or she really likes me
--or she just doesn't like being called a whore
--in my experience, girls don't really like it when you call them a whore
--those girls in the pornos are acting

You Can Usually Go To The Same Corner...

--I like dirty whores... is that bad?
--nah, they have their place
--but whores get old quick, and then ya gotta find a new one

Time Heals All Wounds, But Good Anal Does It Faster

--I can't just sit here all day and think about the girl who broke my heart
--yeah, i know what you mean
--i need to go fuck some poor girl in the pooper
--i take that back

Your Right Hand Would Be Alot Stronger

--dude, im tired of fucking bar whores
--im not gonna find ms. right at a bar
--no, but you get to put your dick in strangers
--this is true
--and you get to pull it out, wipe it on the drapes and leave
--what would i do without you to keep me grounded

Just Give Your Number To My Secretary, and We'll Work Something Out

--so you slept with her
--couple times
--and she told you she loved you
--she was drunk
--and you said it back
--might have
--and you couldnt stand her
--total succubus
--where is she now
--moved to LA to be an actress
--howd that goodbye go
--it didn't, i went home to take a shower one day, like 2 weeks before she left, and haven't talked to her till today
--wow, so you were just a stright asshole, huh
--im assuming she asked what happened
--yeah, but i told her id been in a coma for 2 months
--um...
--wow
--wow
--by the way, if it comes up, i got hit by a car in early january, your not sure of the exact date
--it was a hit and run and you visited twice a week
--you brought me into this?
--well i made a bet that she wouldnt feel bad about it
--i was really bored
--so if i'm interested in selling my soul, should i come straight to you, or is there some sort of middle man i need to go through?

You're Obviously Making Excellent Life Decisions

--dude, where'd you go last night
--sorry bro
--that chick was asking about you
--yeah she was cool, but i had to take a tremendous dump
--well why didnt you come back? we stayed there for like 2 more hours
--no way dude, there was no coming back from this one
--i could've sworn it was crying
--and it winked at me when i tried to flush it
--wow, toilet baby... sweet
--did you name it?
--smiley
--gross, i had a turtle named smiley, my memory of him is now tainted forever
--come to think of it, it was kind of turtle shaped

Tasty

TastyBooze.com

So That's Where That Rip Came From

--I'm trying to decide if I should goto the bar solo.
--nah
--you don't think so?
--probably not the best idea.
--fine, i'll just fuck the couch again.

Safety First

--You better slow down with all this whore laying
--Why?
--i always stay protected
--the rubber for dirty bitches and the baseball bat for crazy ones

Question

If you kill someone, it's murder. But does it count if they're french?

You Hit The Jackpot, Bro

--Dude, I think I just shit Dr. Pepper
--Niiiiiiiiice

How About Sweater Puppets In Shades?

--The summer rocks because all the girls start wearing low cut shit and shakin their titties all over the place. But it also sucks because they're all wearing sunglasses, so you can't tell if they're shakin their titties at you!
--I've never seen a pair of tits wearing sunglasses.

Just Try and Read This Without Getting It Stuck In Your Head

West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground, is where i spent most of my days, chillin out maxin, relaxin all cool, and just shootin some b-ball outside of the school, when a couple of guys, who were up to no good, started makin trouble in my neighborhood, I got in one little fight and my moms got scared and said "you're movin with your auntie and uncle in bel air," I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror, if anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought nah forget it, yo holmes to bel air... I, pulled, up to the house around 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie "you holmes, smell ya later," I looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of bel air.

God Bless America

--I can't figure out if I'm in the mood to fuck someone or kill someone... I guess either way it'd be a good stabbin.
--Please explain...
--It's the base male instinct... If I can't fuck it, I'll kill it.
--Sex and war... Two things that make this country great.